For a really long time I thought I wanted to be alone. I thought I loved solitude and that I could find happiness in sun sets and flowers and stars and all that was abstract around. To an extent it was true – I could spend all my time in admiring the sunsets and flowers and abstraction. But it took me time to realize that it was not what I loved to do. It was perhaps a filament of my imagination and the pseudo personality that wanted abstraction.
Now I like groups , people , noises , laughers . I love spending time with others rather than sitting alone in my room and typing blogs. Perhaps it is because I already get more than enough time with myself alone and more than enough of silence every day that I want people around all the time. Even if we don’t talk , just the presence of another person in the house makes a difference .
When I am alone, I keep cleaning the house. I love it actually . Vacuuming , cleaning and washing clothes . The feel of a tidy house is very good . But time is still left even after all the work .
It is just human tendency to look for what we don’t have and think that what we have is not what we want . When I was staying at my valyammas house for a month I used to feel that life was becoming too fast . There were always lots of people in the house and there used to be conversations all the time. There used to be guests ( relatives ) most of the days … and I felt that I was getting too tired of the noises.
But looking back , I feel it is the noises and hectic schedules that we cherish the most. The silence and the solitudes just form an insulating layer in the memories .
These days when I see a good dusk , I just watch it and leave it with normal eyes. I don’t want to think philosophical and wonder about the wandering streaks of clouds that reflect the sun rays and make them look beautiful . Most things I just watch and leave.
In my project team too I am the only person who works from my office . I sit in an aisle which doesn’t have any people to whom I can talk to ( at least no girls with whom I can chit chat ).Other than the technical follow ups and official communications there is nothing I can talk of new dresses , new gossips J and new recepes . I think in a normal girl conversations these just comes in without even knowing .
I try new things in my room to kill boredom. I clean , I re arrange , I decorate … The feel of a new face to the room is happy . And then when I am tired, I login to gtalk and start talking to some long lost friends who are equally jobless on some other part of the world . I browse through their albums and wonder how fast their kids are growing.
Today I am planning to get some roses to keep near my pooja room. It is a new craze every day . Some times ice cream , sometimes dolls , some days dresses and today it is roses. And all I do is .. I just enjoy them to the maximum – be it ice crème , dolls or dresses.
Some times happiness is in making my room untidy . I just dump clothes and papers casually and feel it cozy to sleep in a messy room. Making an untidy room tidy is an art .
Sunday is almost half gone and I am determined not to sleep my day off.
